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Review: Xtreme Pack Mini G-Spot Bullet

Review: Xtreme Pack Mini G-Spot Bullet

Mimi

The Xtreme Pack Mimi G-spot Bullet is a brightly coloured green and purple with flashing red lights, a toy reminiscent of a handheld video game system, minus the PEW-PEW shooting noise. It really does seem like a toy.

But the Xtreme Pack means business. The 2.25 x 1 bullet vibrator plugs into a plastic and rubber controller with buttons to increase intensity, change the setting, or turn it off. As you increase the intensity, red lights appear or disappear in a crescent across the controller. The controller is pretty easy and straight-forward. You can handily rest it on your chest while masturbating, changing the settings periodically with ease. The bullet itself is designed with a curve at the end to stimulate the g-spot, but it also works well for stimulating the clit.   This is very unusual for a bullet vibrator, most just target the clitoris.  It takes two AA batteries, which are not included.

I didn’t really enjoy it inside me, regardless of the setting or intensity. It just felt like my pelvis was vibrating and I really didn’t feel like it was assisting me in any way. Most of its use has been external, against my clit. I varied my use between the tip and the wider backside of the bullet. If you’ve never used a bullet vibrator before, you should know that as you are holding the bullet, you can feel all of the vibration in your fingers. As you make the bullet vibrate more intensely, the sensation may become distracting in your fingers. Some women experience this, some women don’t or they get used to it. At first it irritated me (as it does with every new bullet I try), but eventually I got used to it.

Although I did not reach orgasm on even the highest setting, I do believe that if I were not on medication at this time, it would have been more likely to happen. Or if I wasn’t so stressed out. In other words, if your body is not giving you the silent treatment like mine is, you’d probably get more out of the Xtreme Pack. Due to the fact that this vibrator takes AA batteries, its intensity and power can only reach so high. It does not compare to a plug-in or a rechargeable vibrator. So even though it calls itself Xtreme, its really not. The Xtreme Pack is kind of in a grey area for me, a middle ground where I don’t love it, but I don’t hate it either and it therefore becomes best explained with a shrug.

What you cant see is that those lights blink like an epileptic nightmare.

Joseph

I have no problem with the concept or actual use of this product. A G-spot bullet on a long cord attached to a very easy to use control panel. It has 5 speed and 7 settings. That’s cool. It is pretty powerful for what it is and the materials are not great but they are not awful.  There is not really anything inherently wrong with this product. However….

WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THE COLOR CHOICES AND THE NAME? Xtreme Pack G-spot Bullet? Seriously? What makes it xtreme (extreme even) and why is it neon green and purple. Is the target market 12 year old boys?

The confounding color choices, the name, and the fact that the package claims that this product has a “soft rubber cote” leads me to believe that  the marketing people were drunk when they approved this one. Or maybe they had been watching too many Mountain Dew commercials

Hey Joseph, what’s a cote?

That’s a very good question. I’ll tell ya what a cote is. A small shelter for domestic animals (as sheep or pigeons). Yep. Don’t believe me? Look.

I could understand this screw up if the producer was a Japanese sex toy company. They have a notoriously hard time translating. Guess who the manufacturer is. Freaking Cal Exotics. From California.

I’ll wrap this post up with a call to action.

Why not write Cal Exotics and ask them how they managed to cover your sex toy with a soft rubber shelter for domestic animals?

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CrashPadSeries.com Volume 3

CrashPadSeries.com Volume 3

Joseph

In case you don’t know, The Crash Pad Series is based upon Shine Louise Houston’s 2006 debut film of the same name. The crash pad is a place where dykes and femmes alike can go to have uninhibited sex. Unfortunately I have not seen the The Crash Pad itself, but if it is anything like the series based on it, it is HOT.

The DVD that Blowfish sent us is a collection of episodes from the website. From the looks of it, that’s how these collections are offered; four or five episodes per DVD. Volume three features some performers that are quickly becoming favorites of mine: Dallas, Shawn (Syd Blakovich), Dylan Ryan, Princess Donna, Jake, Lorelei Lee, Billy Jack Gunn, Paul Gunn, Red, and Javier.

If you’ve been reading the site or following Houston’s work, you’ll recognize several of those names. Houston has a tendency to use familiar performers (I don’t really feel comfortable calling them actors because they are not acting in even the traditional porn sense. The people in Houston’s films are not pretending to have hot, enjoyable sex they are) in her productions, which is fine since she has such stellar performers.

This particular installation of the Crash Pad Series involves deep throating, squirting, the fabulous Hitachi Magic Wand, and lots of authentic queer sex. I don’t have any complaints about this collection. None. I personally was not turned on by the scene between “cousins” Billy Jack Gunn and Paul Gunn because my sexual tendencies are unwaveringly hetero and those two look too much like biological men to do anything for me.

The particular copy that was sent to us has some issues with the sound being out of sync in a couple of spots. It was minimal in the beginning but by the last scene (Red and Javier) it was completely incongruous. I sent Blowfish and email to see if this was an artistic choice of Houston’s that I didn’t get or a simple defect but at the time of this writing, I have received no response.

If you don’t want to wait for a DVD to be shipped to you just go to http://www.crashpadseries.com where you can view any of the episodes (there are more online than offered on the individual DVDs.

Mimi

I have a lot of respect for Shine Louise Houston’s work so when it came time to watch CrashPadSeries.com Volume 3, I was really excited and my expectations were high, which is a pleasant shift from the usual. (I’m not a huge fan of porn, which is often boring, stifling regurgitations of sexuality and beauty to me. At best, it’s a good laugh.) I was not disappointed. I enjoyed every scene of this DVD, which I have not been able to say about any other porn thus far.

Whoa shit.
Whoa shit, indeed.

In episode 16, Dylan Ryan enters the crash pad, but instead of trying to join Dallas and Shawn, she hides nearby. While Shawn ties Dallas up to a chair, sucks Dallas’ strap-on cock, and then proceeds to fuck herself silly, Dylan Ryan is sneaking glances, biting her lip, obviously aroused. Eventually Shawn and Dallas move to the bed and continue to pleasure themselves and each other. I really enjoyed the chemistry between these two. They appeared to have a lot of fun.

In episode 17, Dylan Ryan comes out of hiding after Shawn and Dallas leave. She throws herself down on the bed, smiling and burying her face into the vibrant red pillows and sheets. Watching her writhe and inhale the scent of Shawn and Dallas’ sexual encounter is really arousing, perhaps even more so than when she actually strips and masturbates. It may be more of a personal thing than anything else, but entering the mindset of the voyeur, entering the fantasy of unknown bodies and personalities – the way she pulled the sheet between her legs, thrust her hips toward the bed, inhaled deeply, and smiled so big – is a huge turn-on.

That’s what I need. Honest arousal. Honest reaction.

Joseph didn’t seem to enjoy Episode 15 with Billy Jack and Paul quite as much, for reasons rather obvious, and we ended up talking more throughout its duration. We talked a lot about gender identification, bisexuality, pansexuality, and considered our relative ignorance when it comes to various lifestyles. For example, I trip over terminology quite a lot because I want to be respectful. It’s hard when everyone has personal preferences that may not be clear. Houston’s porn films are especially challenging, and I think she would probably smile if she heard me say so.

Despite the distraction of our talk, I found this scene just as arousing as the others. Aside from a little initial awkwardness, both performers seemed to forget that a camera was even there. They just did their thing and their thing was hot. (Also, how great is it that Paul Gunn has a “pussyboy” tattoo?)

In episode 21, Lorelei Lee enters the crash pad to find Donna and Jake ready to fuck, and she’s not so sure at first, but quickly convinced! (If only I had the powers of persuasion that Donna has…) This part of the scene was really annoying because the sound was a bit off; however, the three of them really made up for it. Lorelei Lee, god bless her, didn’t make constant obnoxious goat noises like she did in Superfreak. Jake was quiet, reserved, and yet really involved in significant ways. Donna, of course, dominated most of the actions in the scene. All three of them seemed really into it (when Lorelei Lee and Donna are making prolonged eye contact later in the scene, it’s pretty intense), yet joked and laughed occasionally.

Last but not least, episode 19 with Red and Javier was, sadly, hard to watch because of the sound disturbances. And you can watch it muted, like we did, but…. it’s not the same. Red and Javier are really sexy performers – I liked watching them even without sound. Red can wear a strap-on and bend me over anytime she’d like.

As always with Houston’s films, she places emphasis on safer sex practices, which I find really appealing in porn. Also, despite the re-occurrence of performers, there’s something really “fresh” about their presence. Perhaps it’s the scenery, the camera angles, the tone, the personal interactions between performers. You just know that it’s going to be sexy and authentic, yet light-hearted and fun. Perfect.

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Tristan Taorminos Expert Guide to Oral Sex: Part One Cunnilingus

Again, provided for us by our fabulous friends at Babeland

Him

I have read a good many cunnilingus guides in my time. I was a rather late bloomer, keeping my virginity until the age of 23. In my insecure mind, I thought that I was going to be rather disappointing to my first partner (which actually turned out to be true, but for different reasons than I expected) so I thought that I should learn ways to compensate for my inexperience. I read countless online tutorials. I even sampled some of the books at Barnes & Noble that claimed to be able to teach tongue magic.

I have been told by every woman that I have been with that I am quite skilled with my mouth. I dont think that I am talented or gifted in that regard. I think the thing that sets me apart from most is that I enjoy cunnilingus. So much so that I daydream about making Her moan with nothing but my tongue and lips.

Looking back, I do not think that any of the guides or books had anything in them that was not common sense. Listen to your lover, and Ask what she likes, and The clitoris is extremely sensitive.

Tristan’s guide was much the same, but with people acting out the advice.

Broken up into several sections and scenes with different people, the DVD illustrates all of the teaching points with visual aid. Yes. People performing cunnilingus. As much as it markets itself otherwise, there is still a lot of  porn element to this DVD. Men on women, women on women, with and without commentary. In addition to guided instruction, the DVD offers a good feature on safer cunnilingus which I am always in favor of.

This DVD would be great for young men or women seeking to get a good overview of technique and communication practice. It would be (and was) useful for a more experienced couple as a reminder to always slow down and experiment. Aside from moments when its porn roots show through, it gets my seal of approval.

Her

I am very lucky to have a partner that is notably talented at performing cunnilingus, so when we chose to get Tristan Taorminos Expert Guide to Oral Sex: Part One Cunnilingus, it was not a rescue mission. In a bold stretch of arrogance, we had even considered that the video wouldn’t have anything to teach. If nothing else, we hoped to be comforted by the knowledge that a good, educational video about cunnilingus existed out in the world one that people might actually watch.

We decided to go about it like this: he would watch the video alone, then work his magic when I got home, and then we could talk about any improvements that may have been made. I noticed that he slowed down more, and that was, primarily, the change. It makes a difference. Based on my experience and the things other women have told me, a lot of people tend to forget that they need to slow down, that the build-up is very important. The video emphasized that a lot, which I think is a really great thing.

It also emphasized experimentation (various ideas for tongue and hand movement were offered), sex toy use, and a woman’s responsibility to communicate her desires. Surely body language can offer a lot of useful feedback, but sometimes you really need to say, Could you move your finger a little more to the left? These are not things that we needed to be taught or reminded of, necessarily, but Im sure it would be helpful for other people given how carefully these ideas and actions are presented to the viewer.

One thing that I really liked about the video, once I got around to watching it, was a special mini feature devoted to safer cunnilingus. Taormino narrated a young, attractive couple demonstrating each method in such a way that the information is clearly understandable and approachable in practice. Aside from condoms, which exist very near the surface of sexual conscientiousness, tools and methods of safer sexual activities always seem kind of awkward and mood killing. This video takes away some of that awkwardness.

There is, of course, a lot of cunnilingus in the video, with and without commentary. There’s also a bonus section where Justine Joli, a sexy redhead leading the hands-on workshop, and her assistant, Ariel, go at it on a couch, which didnt particularly do it for me, although finally seeing the redhead naked was certainly fulfilling the promise of a bonus. It was a bit strange to hear standard educational video music as the background to blatantly pornographic scenes, but I think this DVD navigated the peculiar state of being educational and pornographic fairly well.

Ratings:

Aesthetics: 5

Level of Arousal: 2

Educational Value: 5

Story-line: N/A

Him and Her Rating: 4 Given the fact that this DVDs main purpose is educational.

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X: The Erotic Treasury

This book was sent to us by our friends at Babeland

Him

I dont actually have that much experiance reading erotica so I feel that I may have been somewhat more harsh on the qaulity of writing than is fair. For the most part, I found that the stories were varied and interesting as far as subject matter goes (fetishes galore) but that the actual craft of story telling left something to be desired.

Understand that each story is by a different author so there is of course a wide variety of style within the book. That means that while some of the authors did not appeal to me personally, others I found to be very well crafted.

The range of subject matter is truly astounding. There are 40 stories contained within the stylish red binding and each one focuses on a different fetish or sexual specificity. The nice thing about that is that you are bound to find something that you can appreciate. The problem there is that each story is so specific, you may only find one thing that apeals to you.

The bottom line for this book in my opinion is that it is a compilation. That means that if you are looking for a book to turn you on with each page, this is not it.

However, if you are interested in learning more about erotica in all of its various forms, this book is an excellent starting place. You will certainly be able to find something that you like and go from there.

Her

Reading erotica usually does more for me than watching pornographic films, probably because I can imagine people to my liking, instead of being faced with tanned, waxed, plasticized human-like beings getting it on. Most often, they remind me too much of the Barbie dolls I had as a child. (Coincidentally, they also fucked each other and had orgies. My bisexuality may in part be blamed on the fact that I only had one Ken doll, and he didnt even have a dick.) Its not sexy.

So when we ordered The Erotic Treasury, I was rather excited about the prospect of having a whole new book full of stories that are likely to arouse. Considering its a collection of stories, brought together by editor Susie Bright, I thought theres bound to be at least a few kinky stories to my preference, and even some sick, twisted shit to make me laugh or squirm.

When it arrived and I held the dark, elegantly crafted book in my hands, I expected less of the sick and twisted, more of the well-written and sensual. Its a book that I wouldnt mind leaving out in the living room on my book shelf. Granted, Im not really a shy or shameful girl, but lets say my hyper-conservative mom comes over and looks at my books for whatever reason. Knowing she saw The Erotic Treasury wont make either of us feel to disturbingly awkward. Its pretty and doesnt really give away the kinky exploits within.

That said, this book is quite kinky.

One story after another dives into a particular fetish shoes, spanking, lactation, vegetables, etc. and notably, theres not necessarily sexual intercourse involved. I can respect that. BDSM, for example, can often be intensely sexual without explicitly involving sex. (Hopefully it does eventually, though, right? Right.) Many of the stories demonstrate an understanding or appreciation of the psychology of desire, of how the most erotic moments of our lives might have little to do with physical penetration.

My only complaint is that many of the stories are so specific in their primary modes of attraction that despite being, for the most part, well-written, a reader might feel a strong reaction and connection to only a few stories in the collection of forty. Some of the humorous or novelty characteristics end up distracting from instead of contributing to the stories. However, even if the fetish within a story is not your idea of a good time at all, the writers often describe the sensations associated with desire and sex well enough that its often at least a littlearousing. If nothing else, itll spark your imagination.

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Babelands Showerbabe

Him

 

I was pretty excited about this product because due to height difference and a small shower, we cant have intercourse in the shower without the inclusion of a stool (which is awkward) so this product meant new ways to play in the shower.

 

Overall I am very pleased with the Showerbabe. It has two intensity settings which have not been enough to get her off by itself, but have been a great companion to my fingers or tongue. The settings are activated by a button on the bottom of the handle which can be somewhat awkward to use while the Showerbabe is inside of her. However, the handle itself is great because things do tend to get slippery in the shower.

 

Out of the shower, this is a good product as well. Because of its tapered tip and slim design, it is a great companion vibe for clit stimulation during intercourse. We had been using a Hitachi Wand which got the job done, but got in the way too much. The Showerbabe allows for her to pinpoint the vibration where she wants it without also vibrating my balls.

 

The hard plastic construction makes it extremely easy to clean which I love.

 

Her

 

The ShowerBabe is the first hard plastic vibrator that I’ve had, and although it was quite a change from my glorious Hitachi Magic Wand, it’s still quite enjoyable. We were attracted to ShowerBabe because, as you can guess, it’s waterproof and that little handle on the end sounded like a good idea.

 

I really enjoy our foreplay in the shower before heading to the bedroom (or the couch, the floor, the chair, the desk…) and the only danger we run into is not wanting to take the time to dry off first! Compared to some other vibrators that I’ve heard, ShowerBabe isn’t really that loud and its level of noise is appropriate to the intensity, which you can change between a regular and a high setting.

 

I didn’t really enjoy it inside of me, perhaps because of its shape, but against my clit it felt great. With this vibrator you can really find the points, movements, and pressures that please you in exactly the way you want to be pleased.

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Ask Mimi

hi mimi,

I have been reading your review/blog site and is quite interesting.  I have a question. What would you recommend: pjur MY sexual enhancers, K-Y INTENSE Arousal Gel for Her and Durex Play Utopia Female Arousal Gel?

I have used Durex and I really really like it, but I am not sure what [to] buy nextKY or pjur.  I have used for years pjur original and eros and they are both fantastic.

Thanks!  And I am sorry if you dont usually answer this kind of emails.  It can end up being a post

Warm regards,

C

Dear C,

First of all, thanks for reading our blog! We appreciate it a lot. You can email me or Joseph anytime with questions. This is becoming a post cause no one else asked me anything. Yay!

Secondly, onto the lube. I have never used a sexual enhancement-esque lube other than the flavored sort, so I cant speak about any of your options from experience. Pjur is a good brand for lube, so of the three I would probably choose that one on account of familiarity and pre-established trust. Ive used the brands KY and Durex in the past, but they were not particularly great for me.

However, something to bear in mind with lube is that everyones body functions differently and thus has different requirements. I dont self-lubricate very well, so my body needs a lube that lasts long without tackiness. Plus, a few of my favourite toys are silicone, so I cant use silicone-based lube with them and must be mindful of that when purchasing lube.  Maybe those arent concerns of yours, but Im sure there are other priorities you have for lube.

Maximus, Liquid Silk, Slippery Stuff Gel, pjur, and Babeland are brands I have used in the past with noteworthy results (i.e., I can actually remember them).

Good luck with your lube shopping! If you have any other questions, feel free to send me another email or respond directly in this post. Whatever your preference.

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Confessions of a heterosexual

I have always been embarrassingly heterosexual.

I can’t help it, I just have no attraction whatsoever to men. I can appreciate a physically attractive man or a man with a charming wit and warm personality, but I have no desire to do anything beyond appreciate.

I think of this as a problem. Viewing Mimi’s pansexuality only makes things worse. Good grief, it is unfair. She is attracted to all people regardless of sex. Dudes, ladies, dykes, femmes, bois, transsexuals, pre-op, post-op, all of it! And I am only really attracted to women that resemble women.

The way I see it, I’m missing out on a whole lot of feeling and potential experience. It’s not like my sexual attraction to women is exponentially stronger than someone attracted to all sexes because I am only attracted to the one. It just means that I am missing out on all the others.

Let me post an exchange about porn star James Deen between Epiphora and Mimi from Twitter the other night as an illustration:

 

undressedreview @Epiphora Hes actually pretty attractive. Like, a lot.

Epiphora @undressedreview Hence looking for scenes with him in them and whichever semi-attractive chick I can find.

undressedreview @Epiphora I approve. Excellent idea. Im kind of turned off by a lot of guys in porn, but he is yes.

I looked at his pic and thought “That guy looks like he smells like weed.” I’m not saying that James Deen would necessarily do it for me, but NO GUY does it for me and it seems like a shame.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that being anything other than heterosexual is easy in this society. Men being attracted to other men is no joking matter in mainstream America. Because of the closed way that men are taught to think about sexuality and the systematic vilification of homosexuality, being attracted to the same sex can make your life hell in this country. I understand this. So please don’t think that I envision those with wider sexual preferences than mine as living in a sex-crazed state of euphoria. I just think that being attracted to more would open more vistas to me.

Sure, I’ve tried to be attracted to men. I do it all the time. I look at people and I think “He’s a good-lookin guy…I could…do sex stuff with him…” My heart (wang) just isn’t in it. I think I probably could have sex with a man. I could become aroused by the experience alone and probably have a decent time…I just wouldn’t be enjoying it because of the man per se. Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.

My feelings about limited preference being detrimental are not limited to sexuality. I feel the same way about NASCAR, professional wrestling, country music, M.I.A., the artwork of Gustav Klimt, and eggplants.

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pjur Woman Aqua

pjur Woman Aqua

Mimi

Years ago when I started having sex, I didn’t give lubrication much thought, despite being one of those females who’s bodies simply do not produce enough lubrication. It’s like some kind of cosmological joke. I have sensitive skin and a very active libido combined with the damned Sahara desert down there. (Okay, so it’s not that dry. Or hot. Or deadly.) It is probably understood without saying that problems can arise.

pjur Woman Aqua is a good product for someone like me because it’s water-based, fragrance free, non-toxic, and “dermatologically tested”. We’ve been using this lube for a little over a week, and I haven’t had any complications with my skin. Aside from skin bliss, it’s also pretty good for just about any sexual activity you want to engage in, although perhaps best for masturbation and genital intercourse. And of course, because it’s water-based you can use it with any sex toy or condom.

Given pjur Woman Aqua’s liquidy consistency (think simple syrup or a thinner version of chocolate syrup), it can be messy. If it were the type of lube to get sticky and nasty, I would not forgive it for being prone to drip all over the place. I spilled some on the bathroom floor by the sink when preparing to use anal beads, and didn’t clean it up right away. When I came back to clean it, I actually stepped in it without realizing because it just felt like I stepped in water. The slipperiness on the bottom of my foot (no, I didn’t fall over, thank you) is what made me aware of having stepped in lube.

When we used pjur Woman Aqua during genital intercourse, we only needed to apply lube once in the beginning and it lasted without getting sticky or tacky. Did you catch that? It didn’t get sticky or tacky. IT DIDN’T GET STICKY OR TACKY. I love that. Afterwards, I didn’t feel the need to go to the bathroom right away and clean myself off. So many water-based lubes dry to filmy, sticky residue. Not this one.

We haven’t used pjur Woman Aqua for anal sex, and I’m hesitant to say it’s a great idea because of this lube’s thin consistency; however, it seems like this lube could handle it, provided that you keep it close by for re-application if necessary.

Felix is just so photogenic

Joseph

I like this product quite a lot. Mimi has already touched on almost everything that there is to be said about it, so I’ll just reiterate that it doesn’t get sticky or tacky. Really, that’s a big deal to us. Every water-based lube that I’ve tried so far except for this one gets gross pretty quickly.

The bottle makes a lot of claims about this product. For instance, it says that the lube is “latex condom safe – long lasting – extra slippery – oil free – fat free – fragrance free – stain free – no after use clean up – dermatologically tested for skin and mucous membrane compatibility – non toxic – tastless.” The only things that I take issue with are that it is not *quite* tasteless and dermatologically is not really a word. Ok, that second issue is not fair or important. Dermatologically is a perfectly valid fake marketing word and its inclusion on the bottle is not in any way detrimental to the product.

pjur Woman Aqua is reasonably priced (16.95 for 100ml @ Tabu Toys) and I think that it is perfect to keep around as an all-around lube. You may want something thicker for anal play or a flavored or truly flavorless lube for oral play but other than that, this lube will not disappoint.

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Tantus Stroker

Tantus Stroker

Mimi

As you can probably gather from the name, the Stroker is “100 % Ultra-Premium Silicone”, and it is indeed an implement used to stroke your own or someone else’s penis. I’m not sure exactly what makes a silicone product ultra-premium, but I like the consequences. The Stroker is hypoallergenic, odorless, tasteless, and phthalate free. You can completely clean and sanitize the Stroker by boiling it for 10-15 minutes or putting it in the top rack of your dishwasher. Simple and worry free.

The Stroker is 4-1/2” long and without being stretched it’s about 1-3/4” at its widest and 3 / 4” at the ridges. It does have some elasticity, although it doesn’t appear to have a whole lot. The ridges, meant to mimic vaginal contractions, are really smooth (I enjoy touching this toy) yet could be potentially uncomfortable. They are really prominent and rigid.

It comes in white, which is normally rather unappealing to me in sex toys, but Tantus has used it in such a way that it actually offers a touch of class. The Stroker is not one of those male masturbation toys that you cannot stop laughing about long enough to use it. It looks very clean, purposefully designed, and contemporary.

Joseph

This is the first sex toy from Tantus that we’ve had the privilege of testing. We’ve consistently heard and read great things about Tantus brand dildos. Other reviewers rave about the Acute, a lot.

With that mindset about the company, I was really excited when this toy arrived. I really wanted to like it. Really badly. So badly that when I initially hated it, I just assumed that I was doing something wrong because Tantus and its Stroker were obviously above suspicion.

On a mission to prove me and my stupid nerve endings wrong, I ask the internet about the Tantus Stroker. The internet answered with a resounding “Meh.” The responses ranged from “really painful” to “just ok”. I could only find a single review of this product that was favorable and that was from a suspiciously sycophantic source that I don’t trust.

Unfortunately it seems that my first impressions of the Tantus Stroker reflect that of many men; for a toy that is designed to “simulate vaginal contractions”, this thing hurts.

The internal ribs are too stiff and end up pummeling my penis as it goes in and out of the Stroker. The ridges are so tight and hard that they end up acting as squeegees that funnel all of the lube to the top and bottom of the Stroker. That adds chaffing to the previous pummeling. I was not pleased.

If that werent bad enough, it makes a really silly noise while in use. Please see video for example.

I have read that Tantus intended this toy to be “for men who love the tight feel” (they weren’t kidding!) and that they have released an XL version. This is a step forward, but I would not know to buy the XL. My cock is certainly not XL and I would think that I needed to purchase a sleeve accordingly.

I have not lost my faith in Tantus as a company and look forward to trying their next product but I can say with a fair amount of certainty that I will <i>never</i> put my penis in the Stroker again.

P.S.
It is tasteless as advertised. I licked it to be sure.

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Tenga Lip Service

Tenga Lip Service

Masturbation sleeves: they’re those ridiculous-looking tubes that, as a man, I’m a bit wary of sticking myself inside of. Sure they might take up an entire shelf at your local sex store, but do I really want to put my dick inside of a flashlight? How about an ultra-realistic looking set of disembodied hips or a strange, day-glo cylinder made out of materials with names right out of a science fiction novel? Call me a old fashioned, but sometimes a hand just feels more familiar. With this in mind, I was a bit wary upon seeing the “Tenga Lip Service” for the first time.

On one hand, it’s a masturbation sleeve. This means that I’ll inevitably be placing my manhood in the rubbery grasp of the cold and unnatural. But, on the other hand, this one had some promise. First, it was engineered and created in Japan, the same adult novelty culture that gave us tentacle porn and that strange stuff that turns water into goo; they know their stuff. Second, the “cup” was severely lacking any of the ridiculousness which inspired my original fear of masturbation sleeves, this one looked more like a fancy bottle of body wash or conditioner I had a greater risk of being labeled as having expensive tastes than being a pervert. But, sophisticated grooming products aside, I was genuinely excited to try out the “Lip Service” (also known as the Deep Throat Cup) and put it through its paces. Before we get to that however, I should explain a bit about the Tenga in the first place.

Engineered in Japan by a former mechanic, the Lip Service comprises only one of a growing number of pre-packaged, “onacups” with names like “Rolling-head Cup” and “Soft Tube Cup” which, as you may have inferred, offer different types of stimulations. In particular, the Lip Service offers a unique method of suction that utilizes a small hole in one end of the cup to create a vacuum around the soft, jelly sleeve inside. Basically, you stick yourself in the cup to push the air around the sleeve out of the hole. Then, while covering the hole, you withdraw your penis from the cup and the thin jelly material hugs the skin close while providing suction. Pretty cool, right?

I’d have to see if it delivered on its promise.

Did it ever.

Removing the Lip Service (which I’ll just refer to as LS from now on,) from its package, unwrapping the protective covering and uncapping the business end of the diminutive cup, I was greeted with this:

A seemingly endless abyss of white jelly lay before me, coated in thick, slippery lube. I felt loved, knowing that there was a machine somewhere making sure that I didn’t have to lube up my LS before having at it. Taking a gulp, I inched myself into the LS, taking in the sensations as I heard a loud flatulating noise resonate around my penis. What had I done? Had I upset the Tenga somehow? Was I being punished by the masturbation gods for using such a plain looking masturbation sleeve? No, I just hadn’t removed the sticker on top! Right then, take two.

(Yeah, you’re going to want to take that sticker off before getting down to business.)

Sliding in again, a soft “pssht” sound replaced the earlier noise of the blocked hole and I could feel the material pushing against my penis. Now, I’m not a large guy by any means, but I could easily fill the LS with my overwhelming average-ness. Fear not however, they make larger versions for the XL guys out there. For me however, the normal Tenga did just fine and, placing my fingers over the little hole at the other end of the LS, I began to pump away. An astounding 30 seconds later, I collapsed on my bed in the throes of La Petite Mort, toes still curled from the experience.

Thirty seconds. Seriously.

Maybe it was the inhuman geometry of the inner sleeve that did it, perhaps it was the sucking sensation that drew the little ridges tight against my cock whenever I slipped out, but I have never climaxed so quickly in my life. In this respect, I’d give the Lip Service seven thumbs up if I could. The suction works and it works well, as evidenced by the very audible “slurp” that accompanied every thrust. That’s right, it slurps. Tenga claims that this adds to the realistic blowjob ambiance, but it can certainly be a detractor if you’re looking to be discreet about it. Luckily, it also makes a great aid without the suction, as evidenced by several longer follow-up tests over the course of the next week… Often several at a time.

As for whether or not it actually feels like a blowjob, that’s a tricky one. The different bumps and stimulation-enhancing bits on the inside certainly stimulate as much as a human mouth, perhaps even more in my case, but after a while you begin to notice the very real lack of life in the little plastic widget quickly engulfing your manhood. As a fan of blowjobs and the Tenga both, I’d have to say that in a pinch, the LS will more than do the job.

Any product that produces results this pleasurable wouldn’t be without its little niggles though, right? You’re correct! The LS does have a small list of issues, both large and small. First, the entire Tenga line is disposable. In that, you throw it out after one use. Like a one night stand, but… plastic. It’s possible to wash the Tenga with a bit of water and antibacterial soap, but the company doesn’t recommend it and neither do I. If you follow the recommendations of the company and dispose of your Tenga after you use it, you’re looking at around 15 bucks each time you’re feeling a bit randy. Now, I haven’t tried sticking my dick in caviar or saffron, but 15.00 to insert yourself into something plastic for a few minutes and then throw away? It seems like a waste of money to me, and that’s where Tenga failed to win me over completely. Perhaps Tenga’s reusable onahole, the Flip-Hole, would be a better choice for the budget-conscious masturbator. As for the disposal itself, the Tenga is completely recyclable, so it’s entirely possible to get yer jollies and freak out the guys at the recycling center at the same time. Woo!

Second, the noise can get quite loud at times—fine if you live alone, not so fine if you don’t. Finally, I found that the sensations delivered by the LS depended more on my arousal. When I wasn’t particularly horny, the sensations felt a little bland and lifeless, although it still did the job. When I was really horny however? It was as if every inch of my cock could feel what was happening. Bland rubbery “hole” or uber-engineered orgasm extracting device, you’re likely to fall somewhere between the two sentiments.

In closing, the Tenga can be likened to a gourmet meal on plastic tableware: perfectly prepared and ultimately satisfying, but also cheap and utterly disposable.