Undressed Reviews
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Allow us to explain

When we started Him and Her Sex Toy Review, it was not very important to us and, accordingly, it was rather ambiguous with infrequent posts mixed in with occasional explicit verbosity, plus bits and pieces of our own individual values. Gradually, a greater sense of clarity emerged in our concerns about relationship, sexual, health, education, feminist and LGBT issues, and we decided to create a new name for ourselves reflecting that shift.

We write honest and demanding reviews for sex-related products because we believe in the importance of open communication and that through this standard, we can benefit ourselves as well as others in the pursuit of happiness, equality, and fulfillment. Sexuality is more than just what we do in the bedroom. Denial, reinforcing taboos, willful ignorance, fear, or self-righteousness will not protect us from the hazards, nor will it strengthen an individual’s morals. Information, however, can at least provide ammunition in the potential event of sexual (psychological, physical, emotional) conflict and crisis. The genuine confidence that information can stimulate will keep you afloat better than a lot of hot air.

Of course, we are not experts or professionals. (Links will be included for reference to professional and approved sources of information.) We are not under the impression that our level of “hotness” is so high that it warrants a website of its very own, or that we are particularly enlightened in the ways of fucking ethically. We are simply two individuals who believe that our differing backgrounds and overlapping values could potentially make sex products more approachable and enjoyable. I can’t speak for Joseph in this regard, but I am hoping that by relating my I-can’t-believe-I-did-that moments other people can avoid similar experiences, possibly suffering dire consequences that I was lucky enough to escape. In the future, we’re hoping to have “guest reviewers” in order to further expand the dialogue to include other perspectives.

One step at a time.

For now, I hope that you enjoy the site and have pleasant, safe sexual adventures!

With lube,

Mimi

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ID Glide

Gliiiiide

ID Glide provided for review by productEROTICA.com

Mimi

Frankly, we have such a large stash of lube samples that it can be hard keeping track of what we’re using and when – unless of course one of them stands out as being especially bad – and ID Glide could rather easily get lost in the mix were it not sent to us in a blue, convenient squeeze bottle.

ID Glide is pretty standard, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, because I’m speaking of a good lube standard, not a “you used THAT?” standard.

It’s clear, water-based, odor-less, and virtually tasteless. There’s a sharp tinge of generic chemical taste initially, dissolving into nothingness after a second or two. I wouldn’t recommend using it for oral sex because of the weird chemical taste, but it’s not altogether abhorrent either so if you accidentally get some in your mouth, more than likely it won’t significantly interfere with the moment.

The consistency is the same as that of many water-based lubes – it’s slightly slippery and slightly runny. ID Glide is a bit more substantial than some other lubes we’ve tried, such as pjur Woman Aqua, but definitely not to the level of a gel lube.

I have sensitive skin and it didn’t negatively affect me in any way. Nor did it dry to a tacky film. It did dry up fairly quickly on us (example: over the course of two hours, we had to re-apply three times), BUT my body does not self-lubricate very well at all. Even when I am really, really turned on and my clit is swollen and my ass is up like a cat in heat I am as dry as overcooked chicken. Fact of life.

In short, a little did not go a very long way for us, but it might for you depending on your body.

As with all water-based lubes, you can use this with your beloved silicone toys without damaging them and you can also use it with latex, as mentioned on Product Erotica’s site description of ID Glide Squeeze Bottle.

Although ID Glide is not a really remarkable lube, it still fulfills its purpose well. It provides non-irritating lubrication that is safe for my toys and latex, and makes sex comfortable without removing the necessary friction/tension/OMG. If you want a thicker lube, a longer-lasting lube, or one that tastes as good as it feels – you’ll need to look elsewhere.

Joseph

Based on the design on the bottle, I expected the worst. It looks pretty generic and my experience with generic has been that it is gross and worthless. ID Glide is neither of those. It is also not terribly remarkable.
As Mimi said, it is colorless and almost tasteless. For me, it is just the right consistency because it is easy to dispense but it won’t drip off of whatever I happen to be applying it to. It does dry out more quickly than I would like, but that is not a huge issue. The bottle is usually within reach.

The bottle itself has some funky grooves in the side that I believe are indented to be finger grooves. This is unnecessary at best and uncomfortable at worst. Some marketing guy wasted his time.

Probably the same marketing guy wrote the blurb on the back of the bottle which claims that you should apply it to the genital areas for “lubrication and pleasure.” I think that’s a first. This lube claims that the mere application will bring you pleasure. I call shenanigans!

Strangely, I’d be fine if it claimed that you should apply to genitals for super sexy fun times….

The Naked Truth:

Scent: ★☆☆☆☆

Consistency: ★★★☆☆

Longevity: ★★★★½

Tackiness: ★★☆☆☆

Taste: ★★★☆☆

Versatility: ★★★½☆

Overall: ★★★★☆

that is one squishy pile

Just another face in the crowd…

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Do it Yourself (Heh) Spreader Bar

This is an appropriate first to our “Do it Yourself (heh)” section since I did it so badly.

First, what is a spreader bar? I’m going to field that question with a bulleted list.

• Bar
• Used to spread things

Sarcasm aside, it is simply a thin, hard object used to hold things like legs apart for extended periods of time. As such, they are exceedingly simple to make and use.

I personally used an old shower rod that I had lying around. Don’t worry, I know it is not normal to have shower rods lying around. You can also use canes, batons, three rulers taped together, or…anything between three and four and half feet long.

In order to transform my shower bar into a spreader bar…I put two holes in it. I just put a nail through both ends about 4 inches from the ends. The holes are for putting rope through in order to prevent the rope from slipping off the ends. After the holes were there, I wrapped some electrical tape around them because of the sharp metal edges. Tetanus is not sexy.

 

And…that’s it.

  1. Find a pole.
  2. Put some holes in it.
  3. Put some rope through the holes.
  4. Have fun!

If you don’t want to damage whatever you choose to use or you’re just very lazy, you can skip the second step. Just don’t bitch when your rope slips off the end. I warned you.

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Contest — We screwed up!

We recently screwed up.

We mismanaged our various wishlists of sex toys and ended up with two of Tantus’ Bend Over Beginner kits because it was on two lists. Whoops.
9953-02_001_md

Now you can be the most fashionable mannequin torso on your block!

We thought the best way to deal with our excess booty would be to give it away and the wonderful folks at Tabu Toys agreed with us.

So…without further ado, here are the rules:

Leave a comment on this post telling us about a time that you have screwed up. It could be a professional screw up (asking two suppliers for the same product), a personal screw up (the time I was hitting Mimi with the Leather and Chrome Crop and she farted all over me and we laughed so hard we had to stop) or just screwing the wrong person.

Just like our last contest, sexiness is not required but it may help you with our ultra-non-arbitrary selection process.

Understand? Great. You have until New Year’s Day 2010.

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Contest — What are you Thankful for?

Thanksgiving is quickly approaching and you can debate the meaning and motivations behind it all you want. Does it mean stuff your face? Is it just a speed bump on the way to almighty Christmas? Is it a reminder of the white man’s ability to rewrite history?

Personally, I like to think of it as a time to be thankful of what we have. Be it family, friends, Lady Gaga, the Hitachi Magic Wand, your lover’s tongue, or Sasha’s Grey’s ass…we want to know.  Don’t think that we want something for nothing, though. We’ll pay you for your confessions of gratitude!

UtBRS-package1Specifically, Babeland has been gracious enough to provide us with a set of Under the Bed Restraints to give away — that’s something to be thankful for right there!

If you’ve been reading our site for awhile, you know that we are a big fan of the restraint system. If not, well shame on you..and you can read our review here.

So all you have to do is leave a comment on this post telling us what you are thankful for. Then we will use our not-at-all arbitrary system for picking the best one and send that person the uber-nifty restraint system. Extra points for being thankful for sex-related things!

Deadline for comments is the big day — November 26th.

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Thumbelina

Thumbelina

Vibratex’s Tumbelina provided for review by Babeland

Joseph

The Thumbelina is what is commonly referred to as a rabbit or dual stimulation vibe. It’s pretty obvious why. They are designed with dual stimulation in mind; Internal (often G-spot) stimulation and external clitoral. The rabbit name comes from the fact that the clitoral tickler resembles the ears of a rabbit. Sometimes it is even in the shape of a rabbit.

This one in particular is made with G-spot stimulation in mind. It has a bulbous head that is motorized to rotate at a variable speed. The clitoral tickler also has a variable speed motor. In theory, this should stimulate the G-spot and the clitoris with minimal work on your part. I don’t know about you, but I am digging the trend in female sex toys to be more and more automated. Several of them require little to no effort. You just plug them in, turn them on, lay back and enjoy. The downside to toys that do all the work for you is that they are not much fun for partnered use. For example, the Thumbelina is designed in such a way that it is not necessary to move it once you find the sweet spot and dial it up. Not really much for a second person to do except enjoy the show. Don’t get me wrong, watching a beautiful woman pleasure herself is nothing to complain about, but there is always something to be said for teamwork. Before you send me an email about it, I know that it is a MASTURBATION toy and so it is fine for it to be catered to solo use. But…we’re a married couple and we’re going to make observations like that. Deal.

more like bumbelina

Thinner than most of the dual vibes that I’ve seen, the Thumbelina is 3-3/4” x 1-1/4” and made of transparent purple elastomer. That, of course, means that it cannot be sterilized so you must use a condom with it if sharing with someone you are not fluid bonded with. I imagine that could be somewhat tricky due to the bullet that juts out of the side of this thing.

It is powered by 4 AAA batteries and goes WHUANG-WHUANG-WHUANG when it is activated. Not only are its gyrations somewhat comical, but they are LOUD too. And don’t think that having it in your vag will help. Doesn’t muffle the sound at all.

Mimi

I did not like my first experience with a rabbit vibrator (Rockin’ Robin), in fact I hated it, but I decided not long after beginning our review site that I’d keep trying them to see if one could do it for me. The Thumbelina is not the one, if such a rabbit vibrator exists.

Simply, it does not hit my g-spot unless I tilt it in such a way that my clit is neglected and vice versa for my clit. The clit normally wins because it feels better and I’m more likely to orgasm, but even still the vibration lacks enough oomph to push me beyond warm up. And obviously why bother with a toy designed to stimulate my g-spot and my clit to only (sort of) stimulate one of them? To that, I say pshaw.

Although it would be a fantastic luxury to be able to stimulate both with only one toy, it seems like a stretch in my mind. My body has special, specific needs for specific areas, shaped and sometimes inhibited by my own desires. Many women that I know function the same way. It’s one of the reasons why we buy bikinis as separates. Or why buying jeans is NOT an easy task.

MAX

The best thing going for the Thumbelina is the vibration and rotation control panel. It’s very easy to maneuver while using the toy. It may be the only stand out thing about it, other than the unnecessarily loud noises it makes. As Joseph mentioned, the toy is loud – loud enough that you should not use it while someone is in the next room unless you have loud music playing. There is some bumpy texture on the surface of the Thumbelina, but it does little to make the toy more appealing.

Basically, I would not recommend the Thumbelina to anyone. Sad, but true.

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Succulent Blossom

Joseph

Oh my. Where to start?

I guess I’ll start with the packaging. It is quite a thing in and of itself. It is cramped with silly, inappropriate phrases, poorly made logos, an obligatory naked woman, a picture of the product, and an inexplicable bubble with the word “earth” in it. I can’t imagine why. Perhaps the manufacturer thinks that making a phthalate free product is the same thing as making an environmentally friendly product. It is not. My two favorite idiotic sayings on the package before I move on: “The personal choice of wicked girls” (because wicked girls just love wrapping things around their cocks…) and “Ultra-erotic deep penetrating ribbed tunnel made of luxurious senso material” …what does ultra-erotic even mean and how is a tunnel deep penetrating?

Ok, enough about the package—let’s move on to the main event.

This is a masturbation sleeve….shaped like a flower…and it is neon blue. How does masturbation and a neon flower go together, you may ask. Well, I’ll let an intellect much greater than mine explain.

“Mmmmmmm, I love the sound of that. Sssssucculent. And of course Blossum…that’s a metaphor you know and I bet you can guess what for!Just imagine what part of me that sounds like. Bingo Now what do you want to do?” – Devinn Lane

Straight off of the side of the box.

This blue flower to stick your dick in is 4”/10cm long and has “8 teasing petals” around the base. What the petals are teasing is unclear to me. My experience with it is that it is unusable without lube. With lube, the inner ribbing feels rather nice going up and down, but not significantly better than just my hand and not nice enough to justify putting my wang in this ridiculous thing. The length is also a problem for me. The head of my penis chafes uncomfortably as the sleeve slides on and off. To be fair, my skin is pretty sensitive. For someone that doesn’t have a pussy dick (heh), this may be fun. I can stretch the sleeve to be long enough, but frankly, it is not worth it.

Other reviews (Babeland and True Pleasures) say that it is good for use in tandem with a mouth. If you have a problem with fellatio, be it because your man’s penis is too big to fit all way in your mouth/throat or that your jaw muscles cannot take a full blowjob, the idea is that you slip on the sleeve and use it to stimulate the shaft while you lick the lollipop.

We didn’t try that because I think Mimi would bust out laughing if we tried. I can’t blame her. (We are also lacking a lube that feels AND tastes good.)

My recommendation for this product is don’t waste your money. If you want a little manual exercise, just use your hand.

S-E-X-Y

Looks like a good time, yeah?

Mimi

There are a few aspects of the Succulent Blossom sleeve that right away make it more humorous than erotically arousing, mostly for the reasons Joseph already mentioned. The immature brat in me wants to throw this floppy jelly tube out of a window at some unsuspecting jogger from a slow moving vehicle.

Okay, I am being unfair. I can see why, for some people, the Succulent Blossom is a really great toy. Joseph told me that it felt good, aside from irritating his sensitive skin. Plus, some people are less prone to fits of laughter at the prospect of using ridiculous looking toys.

Whenever I talked to Joseph about how we might try it, no matter what reason or suggestion I had, the bottom line, in his mind, was always, “it’s not worth it”. In fact, at one point yesterday I suggested that in preparation for our review that we use it in the shower, and he opted to clean the fish tank instead.

Yes, he cleaned the tank of our nasty fish instead of masturbating with the Succulent Blossom (and me) in the shower.

I’m sure that there are good masturbation sleeves out there for men, which may be worth the money and out rank Old Reliable (your hand), but the Succulent Blossom isn’t one of them.

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Under the Bed Restraint System from Sportsheets

Mimi

Sportsheets’ Under the Bed Restraint System is difficult to write about because it’s a simple design that functions exactly as it appears on the packaging. Four cuffs are attached to four 60-inch restraint straps, connected together by a 60-inch strap that goes underneath your mattress length-wise. The cuffs have velco enclosures and the straps can be adjusted to offer the non-restrained person more control over the restrained person’s position.

I’m using these terms instead of ‘Master’, ‘Domme’, or ‘sub’ because although I think this is an excellent product, it’s probably not particularly thrilling for individuals that are more demanding of their bondage scenes. The fact that the non-restrained person can free his/herself has both positive and negative implications – 1.) it can help build trust and comfort for individuals unfamiliar with bondage and 2.) it can disrupt the true feeling of being at the “mercy” of another person. And as I’m hoping you are aware, a lot of what happens with bondage is mental. So it’s kind of a casual, beginner, or mostly-vanilla-but-trying-some-kink toy.

However, with some other toys and some creativity there is room for expansion, which is something that will always earn a toy some gold stars in my book. For example, if the cuffs start to bother you because of how soft they feel or because they don’t lock, you can purchase harder, more bad ass, locking cuffs to replace the old cuffs. Or you could use the Restraint System as a base for more extensive bondage play. Last night he used the cuffs at the head of our bed to restrain my feet so I was vag and ass out exposed, and in a brief moment of distracted thought, I considered the myriad of ways that I could be tortured and tormented, or how my arms could possibly be tied to my legs or my chest. Throw in some rope, a paddle, an ice cube, or butt plug and you are golden. So many possibilities.

That’s really the beauty of this product. It’s simplistic, a common denominator from which you can fine tune your own brand of kink. And shouldn’t that be the point?

Joseph

I have no background in BDSM of any kind. I didn’t even really know what the letters stood for until recently and I still forget sometimes. Since I’ve been with Mimi, I have been ever so slowly exploring the world of rope, blindfolds, nipple clamps, and the blurring of the fine line between pleasure and pain.

I think that my level of experience with bondage is exactly right for this product. Don’t get me wrong, this is a bondage product; it is just one that is best for light bondage or people that are new to it, not entirely comfortable with heavier bondage play, or just want to feel kinky without the heightened level of trust and inherent danger that comes with some BDSM acts.

Sportsheets’ Under the Bed Restraint System is the very definition of straight forward. I mean, look at what they called it. There is no question about what this product is or does. It is a restraint system. That goes under the bed.

Unlike the Astrea II and communism, this is a very simple concept that functions beautifully in reality. I was able to install (read: put under the mattress) in less than five minutes and can restrain her at any time in a matter of seconds because it is always there. Although we don’t care to bother with concealing it, if one chooses, it is also very easy to keep out of sight but within reach. The straps and cuffs can just tuck away behind the headboard and your comforter can cover the ones at the bottom.

The cuffs are attached to the straps with clips that can be opened and moved with ease. This is nice because you can clip the cuffs together to restrain your playmate off the bed, and then reattach the cuffs to the straps when it is time to move into the bedroom.

My only reservation about wholeheartedly endorsing this product is the packaging. All of Sportsheets’ packaging and marketing materials that I’ve seen are exactly the kind of air-brushed, over stylized, scantily clad model propaganda that bothers me about the adult industry.

With that said, all and all, this is a brilliantly executed product. It is simple, well designed and versatile.

“Excuse me, your kink is showing.”

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‘What Are You Thankful For?’ Contest Winner!

Our first contest was a colossal failure. We did not have a single entry. We cried a little.

Our second contest was as large a success as the first was a failure. We had a veritable smorgasbord of comments to choose from and it was a very difficult choice. It took us almost two full episodes of Gilmore Girls (yes, we are huge dorks when not being super sexy) to pick our winner.

Without further ado, the winner of the Under the Bed Restraint System provided by Babeland is Jacqueline and she said:

I’m thankful for my incredible girlfriend and the very, very few friends at our hyper-conservative school who actually know she’s my girlfriend. I love that she complements me perfectly, from being the perfect top for me to being the perfect study partner to being the perfect roommate.

Sometimes it’s so scary trying to start this life when no one can even know about it, but she’s beyond willing to try everything with me (which is also fun – and the under the bed restraints would be AMAZING (especially given the grad school applications sucking our budget away)) and I still can’t believe I got her.

That was sappy enough. XD I’m also beyond thankful for our teensy tiny toy collection that just began in February. There’s so much exciting stuff still to explore in the future!

We just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to provide a discreet lesbian with a discreet bondage system. She’ll send us pictures of how appropriate it is if we’re lucky. (Hint, hint.)

A big thanks to everyone that entered! There were so many sexy and heart-warming things to be thankful for listed. It was truly a joy to read all of the honest and thoughtful comments. We hope that you’ve had the best Thanksgiving and that you all continue to find things to be thankful for in your lives in and out of the bedroom.

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Guest Review: Under the Bed Restraint System (V and Z)

So, after months of pussy-footing around, we finally have our first Guest Reviewers ready to post. As you may have read in our Guest Reviewers section, we are inviting Average Joes and Janes to become periodical reviewers for our site in an attempt to expand the dialog that occurs here. They will be writing reviews for products they receive for review, products they already own, and products or tools they have created. If you are interested in doing this, you should read the Guest Reviewer section before sending us an email. Of course, all questions are welcome.

Now, onto our new GR’s – Vita and Zinaida! They were our winners from our What Are You Thankful For? Contest in which they won an Under The Bed Restraint System. After writing back to us about their experience, we decided they’d be perfect Guest Reviewers! You can find out more about them (and check out their sexy pictures) by clicking on their linked names above.

Enjoy!

– Mimi & Joseph

Under the Bed Restraint System (its on SALE!) provided for review by Babeland

Vita

I have to admit, I’d been secretly wanting these for awhile. But they were always too expensive, and a college budget doesn’t leave much room for splurges, especially the kind that don’t involve McDonald’s and bookstores (it’s true, I’m an English major). Needless to say, having the Under the Bed Restraints delivered to my door near the end of finals week was about the greatest care package I’ve gotten during four years at school. Once school responsibilities were out of the way, we set up—or more accurately, Z set up—the restraints. My job was keeping the kitten away from the dangling strings.

Once set up (installed seems like too intense a word for the easy process), I got to be the guinea pig, which I have to admit is one of my favorite roles. We first had the restraints coming around the head and foot of the bed, but quickly realized that setup didn’t do much in the way of foot restraint. I could still move out to the side, in toward each other, and even slide my knees up a little. Z easily fixed that by putting the two lower restraints around the sides of the bed. That changed the whole dynamic for me; now my legs were pulled out to the sides with minimal chance of changing that. The feeling of vulnerability was a totally new sensation, and quickly erased the disappointment I’d had over the feet part of the restraints.

I wanted to take advantage of the fact that each cuff could unbuckle from the restraint, and Z didn’t really like the look of my hands up and out to my sides. We clipped both of the upper cuffs (though all four are interchangeable) to one restraint, and went for the classic arms over the head look. Both of us preferred this, though at the moment my feet were free and any pulling I did on the wrist restraints slid the entire system slightly; that would be easily fixed by feet counterbalancing the pull.

Z got sneaky and added a blindfold, which only made the entire experiment more fun. I loved the combination of restricted sight along with restricted movement. The restraint system was an easy setup and more than effective once we figured out how we wanted to use it; I think one of its great advantages is its customizability. It’s now resting under the bed with the cuffs and straps tucked in, away from the kitten and visitors, and I have no doubt that it will be pulled back out quite consistently from here on out.

Zinaida

When we got the Under the Bed Restraint System, I must say I was a little surprised by the size of the box it came in (hence the picture). I’m not sure what I was expecting, but I figured it would either be heftier or take up a lot more room.

Well, after trying this baby out, I can say that it doesn’t need heft to do the job.
I love putting things together and attaching pieces to other pieces, so I have to say that the building nerd in me was a little disappointed that it came all in one piece—no assembly required. That did, however, make it easier to quickly set up (and quickly try out). The only thing I needed to do was adjust the size of the middle connector strap so that it wasn’t too long for the length of the bed.

That is one of the great things about this system. Everything is adjustable: the connector strap in the middle, each of the four straps that go to the cuffs, and the cuffs themselves. If you ever carried a backpack and noticed how those straps adjust, this is the exactly the same (although the cuffs adjust by Velcro).

Everything in this system is black, and all the hardware is silver. All in all, it’s a rather classy piece to have lurking between your mattress and box spring.

Aesthetically, the one drawback is that the cuffs are made out of a type of felt material—not exactly hardcore when viewed up close, but V loved the way they felt. However, because everything is detachable, your own cuffs could be added with no problem. Functionally, the drawback is that if all four cuffs aren’t cuffed to something (say just her hands are, but her feet are free), then it was easy for her to shift the entire system by pulling.

Great things about this system: The coolness factor – I mean, seriously. This thing is pretty badass. The customizability – As V said, this system can morph and fit the need for a lot of different uses. And the storage – as long as I’m near the bed, it’s always close. The best part is I don’t have to put it away when we’re done with it. Huzzah!

The Naked Truth

Aesthetics: ★★★★½

Functionality: ★★★★½

Craftsmanship: ★★★★★

Ease of installation: ★★★★★

Discretion: ★★★★★

Safety: ★★★★★

Overall: ★★★★★