The Nookii Game provided for review by Tabu Toys
Although sex is generally a very serious matter in mainstream, western culture, that’s not an entirely accurate account of sex. There’s definitely a place for humor, for play. I feel much more intimate with someone I can laugh with during sexual escapades. So in a way, it’s great that sex games can add a lot of fun to the interaction. It becomes problematic when the fun overwhelms those lustful urges. This often happens to us when we play games – until we give up on the game and do our own thing.
Nookii is a very simple game. As the title suggests, it favours coupled action, especially of the male-female sort. There are two sets of cards – one for men and one for women – within which there are three levels of arousal – mmm’s, ooh’s, and aah’s. The mmm card is a warm-up, the ooh card is meant to be fun, and the aah card is meant to seal the deal. The game comes with dice and a timer that may or may not actually work properly (ours didn’t). There’s also the worst-blindfold-that-has-ever-existed-but-your-mom-might-wear-it-if-she-likes-scarves.
The biggest problem that I see with this game is its verbosity. Imagine having to read these directions aloud to your partner:
“Stand behind me. Run your fingers through my hair, pulling it straight back behind my ears and holding it for the duration. Breathe cool breath on my right ear, applying your tongue delicately to the edges. Repeat to the left ear. Kiss my forehead an inch above the brow of my nose. Concentrate your tongue on this area in a circular motion. While still holding my hair back, kiss the tip of my nose. Tip my head further back and kiss my lips. Rub noses with mine in an ‘Eskimo’ kissing style.”
If you read them as he goes, the actions become stunted and mechanical by the interruptions of speech. If you read them ahead of time, he will more than likely forget his lengthy instructions.
Some of the lengthy directions contain parts that don’t make much sense:
“Plant delicate kisses over his face starting with his forehead and then moving down to his cheeks, nose, upper lip and chin. Place your arms around his neck and rest on his shoulder massaging him with your thumbs…”
I would list some other examples, if I could do so without it requiring a whole separate paragraph just to establish a context. Every single card offers lengthy, detailed, and sometimes confusing instructions. The language is part driver’s education material and part spirit animal meditation. Maybe part of my personal problem with it is that I’m not a very formal speaker when it comes to sex. In fact, sometimes I’m downright incoherent. I would like this game a lot more if the directions were less softcore robot porn and more creatively intuitive.
However, I will say that this game is good for laughs or if you’ve been a lazy lover. If you’re pretty new to sex or have a new partner, it’s not a bad way to feel out vanilla foreplay more thoroughly. We had a lot of fun playing it, even though we hated the blindfold and felt way more amused than aroused.
This is our first review of a sex toy in a long….long time. Let’s see if we still got it.
The first thing that I noticed about the Nookii game was the ludicrously wasteful amount of packaging. All six of the decks of cards (mmm’s, ooo’s, and aah’s for male and female) were individually wrapped in plastic, the timer, the dice, and the awful scratchy scarf were also wrapped in their own plastic. Perhaps Double G. Communications, Ltd. (the manufacturer) wants everyone that orders this game to be assured that no other sweaty awkward people have touched their horrifically inaccurate timer or their inexplicably verbose playing cards.
The gameplay itself is….ridiculous. I won’t detail the mechanics again because Mimi did a good job of that but I do feel like I should give you some more of the really strange and totally unsexy wording from the cards. Keep in mind that you are supposed to read these aloud to your sexytimes partner while they attempt to obey your commanded commands.
“Get down on your knees and knead my buttocks as if they are pizza dough. Play with my breasts and enjoy my mouth, kissing me deeply. ‘OOOOOHHHH you can deliver my pizza anytime.’ “
“Take off all your clothes. Stroke my bottom in a swirling motion. Nibble my buttocks, pull my panties down and lick me in one motion from between my legs to the small of my back. Do it again. Turn me on my back. Softly tug at my pubic hair and nibble all around.”
“Place the scarf over my buttocks and starting at my outer hips, cover my cheeks with kisses. Keeping the scarf in place use your tongue like a snake interspersing with licks and flicks. Pull my trousers down to my ankles and open my legs further, pushing my cheeks together as you do so. Kiss and nuzzle the space between my cheeks.”
They just go on and on like that. Also, there are an awful lot of cards that command you to place your nose or mouth in between your partner’s butt cheeks. Not sure what that is about. Mimi and I are pretty open but we agree that nosing the poo-hole is not our thing.
Aside from the everything that is wrong with the game, it slightly annoyed me that it is very clearly only intended to be played by a man and a women. I know that it is ok for games to exist that are only for heterosexual couples just as it is ok for games to exist that are only for homosexual couples. Having said that, it bothers me that Nookii gives no indication that it is set up that way from the box. I could see a homosexual couple purchasing the game and then being quite disappointed that the gameplay is set up in such a way that excludes them. Of course, playing the game is just as disappointing – ZING!
Mimi and I had fun while we were playing it but not because the game itself is fun or well crafted. We had fun because we have fun doing almost everything. We were laughing at the game. Not with it.
After we played we immediately started brainstorming ways to make the game actually fun. What we really came up with were ways to use the stupid cards. Leave them in addition to the tip at a restaurant, stick them up at bus stops, leave them in the suggestion box at McDonald’s, and (of course) mail them to congressmen.
The Naked Truth