Undressed Reviews
keyboard_arrow_right
admin
blog

Shine Louise Houston’s “Superfreak”

Joseph

In non-porn movies there are several levels; good, okay, bad, and so-bad-it-is-good. Although I think that almost all porn is bad, I thought that Superfreak would be a so-bad-it-is-good porn.

It starts off with our pal Madison Young pretending to masturbate (badly) at home. Then the main and only plot device comes into the room: The ghost of Rick James. Said ghost dives into Young and, possessed by the funky spirit of James, she pulls out her trusty Hitachi Wand and masturbates for real. Watching Young please herself is much more enjoyable than watching her pretend to please herself or watching her speak.

Once Young has vibed and shaken herself silly, she puts on some clothes and goes to a party. At said party, Young immediately approaches Dylan Rion and says a wonderful pickup line, “It’s a good thing I brought my library card cause I’m checking you out.” Based on Rion’s reaction, I am glad I’ve never used this line. Rion proceeds to fuck Young in a room full of people. How rude.

This scene has some very hot moments but it also has some very awkward camera angles. The awkward camera angles are in every scene of Superfreak and never stop being perplexing. After the two are done fucking in the corner, James exits Young in search of a less spent host which he finds in Guy Handful who is arguing in the bathroom with Rozen.

However, because the film is anachronistic, we see James enter Shawn in the kitchen before we see Handful and Rozen. Shawn finds Vasa right after she is done pissing in the kitchen sink because the bathroom was taken (we see why later, yowza) but this does not deter Shawn in the least. She takes a mouthful of water, sprays it into Vasa’s pussy and then immediately goes to town. What follows is in my opinion the hottest scene in the movie. I say this not only because Vasa is super cute, but because the chemistry between Vasa and Shawn seems very natural (we learn in the behind the scenes that they are a couple in real life) and the sexuality portrayed is very raw and powerful.

After that hotness is over, we get to see what was going on in the bathroom with Handful and Rozen. They were arguing. But then James came in and with his supernatural superfreak supercharm ended the argument with one sentence. “Less talking, more fucking.” And there was. Rozen’s intense pleasure convulsions and wails really make this scene. Though, it makes her look like the one that is possessed.

Next we see Dana DeArmond and Princess Donna being bored on a couch. They discuss going home but before they can get up to leave, Lorelei Lee plops down between them and asks if she has missed the party. They respond the way any reasonable young women would, by throwing Lee down on the coffee table and tag-teaming her. This scene has some hot moments in it as well, but the noises that Lee makes (kinda like a goat) are so obnoxious to us that we had to mute it in order to enjoy the hot parts. The ghost of Rick James has nothing to do with this impromptu party sex, but walks in and sees it. And approves.

After the credits rolled, we watched the extras and I’m very glad that we did. There are interviews of every cast member and it is revieled that everyone but Rion and Young knew each other before shooting. I have a lot of respect for Houston for casting that way. It greatly reduced most of what I hate about porn which is its fakeness and it exploitative nature.

I was wrong about Superfreak. It falls into the good porn category instead of the so-bad-it-is-good category. Awkward camera angles aside, this was a great example of what porn could be. Granted it was silly and didn’t even try to have a real plot, but the sex was real and engaging and it was well lit and recorded. I look forward to seeing more of Houston’s work.

We were hoping to summon the ghost of Rick James.

Mimi

This is the first film of Shine Louise Houston’s that I’ve had the pleasure of watching. The DVD packaging looks very professional and sets the tone – freaky, funny, and hot. Reading “real people having real sex” in the synopsis led to a brief glimmer of lustful hope; however, I was still really skeptical about enjoying it because, well… Madison Young is on the cover and while I am a fan of her ass, I am not a fan of her work. Another porn with her as the leading star simply did not sound appealing.

Despite the film opening with a scene that had Madison masturbating, it is immediately clear that Houston’s films is different – colourful, stylish, good quality, good sound, wild, and intentionally funny. Intentionally is the key word there. Even the music that accompanies each scene fits in line with the humorous, casual atmosphere. It’s not over the top, but definitely lingering close enough to make you sweat.

The ghost of a funk singer inhabiting people and getting them to do “freaky” shit is a very simple plot, but it allows the viewer to know what he or she’s getting into from the beginning and provides a basis for the humor. And like any good film plot, it holds the scenes and characters together, making the scenes fluid and (I’m using this word loosely) believable. Who has sex in a crowded room? Young does if she’s got Rick James’ ghost inside her! She also, apparently, learns how to stop masturbating like she’s having a damn self-induced seizure and really gets down to business with her Hitachi Wand, rope, and glass dildo.

When Young gets to the party, Dylan Rion wastes no time to make her move, which Young intercepts with a bold (and wicked cheesy) pick-up line. They start kissing and fucking with a strap-on against a wall, which at some points was really hot on account of Young’s juicy ass being gripped by Rion’s hands. Rion’s animated playfulness is also really entertaining after the sex part of their scene is over and they’re kneeling behind a couch, recovering and acknowledging their actions. I still can’t stand the noises Young makes or her facial expressions, but it’s not enough to completely ruin the scene.

My favourite scene was the one with Shawn and Vasa because it was the most intense, energetic, fun, and those two are just flat out sexy. They both seemed completely comfortable and happy to be playing their respective parts. I love the inclusion of the water! Obviously, for practical reasons, some “cleaning” was necessary since Vasa just took a piss in the kitchen sink, but watching Shawn spit water onto Vasa’s pussy and then Vasa’s surprised/excited facial reaction was enough to make my hips stir and sexual appetite grow. (Note to self: We need a kitchen sink hose. Oh, and a bigger kitchen.) Nothing about their interaction feels fake, forced, or exaggerated. How fucking hot is that? When Vasa wiped some of Shawn’s nether juices on her face and in her mouth, I almost squealed. Seriously. This is one sexy scene.

In second place, regarding my favourite scenes, would be the one between newcomer real life couple Rozen and Guy Handful. The acting was about what you’d expect in porn (not very good), but their sex scene was much better than what you’d expect. (The second option is more important, if you ask me.) No obnoxious noises, no fake expressions, and Rozen has amazing, natural looking breasts. She appears to completely forget the cameras, bucking her hips hard and screaming.

The last scene was difficult for me to enjoy because I took such a disliking of the half-laughing, half-goat noises Lorelei Lee was making constantly. It would have been fine, really, but when I say constantly, I mean she stopped to inhale. We muted it so that I’d stop yelling at the television and startling the cats. I also took issue with there being ass to vag finger insertion because even though I know they stopped and cleaned/lubed up periodically, I think that porn should be held to a practical, safe standard. Like when Rion and Handful had condoms on their strap-ons – that made sense, that felt appropriate. However, if you’re not paying attention like I was at the time (hawk eyes!), then you probably wouldn’t even notice and, all of that said, it was still a hot “stone femme” on femme scene.

Having seen Bride of Sin already and knowing Young is a huge rope slut, it’s encouraging to know that Houston obviously let Young use the rope for her masturbation scene. Positive female sexuality? Houston’s not all talk. Frequently throughout this simple, fun film we are introduced to notions of gender identity, roles, and how people are challenging them everyday just by leading honest, authentic lives. You can see this fully articulated in the Behind Kink interview where a rather soft spoken, joking, encouraging Houston directs her crew and talks about challenging pre-determined roles, whether it’s directly related to porn or life itself. All of this is worthy of respect, if not titillation. Probably both.

blog

Tristan’s Anniversary Edition Plug

Joseph:

I feel like I have to preface this review with a few qualifiers:

I did not personally use the plug.

We did not have anal sex after She used the plug.

So with my limited interaction with this product in mind, here are my thoughts.

The plug looks to me like something that would be incredibly painful to try and insert into one’s anus. After seeing Her ever-so-slowly do just that, I have to say that it seems like my first impressions were correct. The total process took maybe half an hour and a lot of lube. She paused frequently and made many faces that made me think She was in quite a lot of pain.

When it was finally inserted, we had vaginal intercourse that was somewhat awkward. For me, it was almost uncomfortably tight as it is quite a large plug. It was not unpleasant and it may be something that is rather enjoyable for both of us once we become more comfortable with it.

So from my perception, it looks and feels well constructed, seems to clean up easily (rather important with this kind of toy) and the swirlies in it make me think of a bowling ball. Because my perception of this product is somewhat limited, I’ll let her give you the details on the rest.

Mimi:

Warning – This post is rather personal because I feel strongly about anal play in that it can feel really amazing, but it can also go terribly wrong. There’s a lot of misconception surrounding it, which I too have been a “victim” of in the past, and if I can be of any help to someone else through my own experiences, I would certainly wish to do so.

We had wanted to try anal sex together for a while, but since warming up with fingers used to gross me out, we were waiting for the right toy to come along. Given the opportunity to try Tristan’s Anniversary Edition Plug, we eagerly sought it, thinking this might be the toy to finally open up a whole other part of our sexual exploration.

I have much more experience with anal play than He does, but I am still very new to plugs; in fact, this is only the second of two plugs I have used. The first one was clear glass, smaller, and a bit slimmer in shape. As you can guess, the experience was quite different. My only complaint about that plug is that it would not stay inside of me without being held constantly. I was hoping for better luck this time.

My first impressions of Tristan’s Anniversary Edition Plug was that I liked the weight of it, the soft feel of the silicone, and its dark blue swirl design. No tender flesh irritating seam. No awkwardness in handling it because of the large base. And you can sanitize the toy by putting it in boiling water or in your dishwasher’s top rack without soap. (Just because it’s going in your butt, doesn’t mean it should lack sophistication.) I also observed its size. Larger than I had visualized in my mind.

When He was watching me insert the plug the very first night we received it, much like other occasions in which I used it (or tried to), I could tell that he was thinking things like, ‘She really likes this?’ and ‘Why on earth would anyone do this?’. My suspicions were confirmed when he suggested that I stop, gently and kindly, to let me know he wasn’t disappointed, only concerned.

It’s this kind of environment that makes experimentation and pushing boundaries feel really good, even when it doesn’t go according to plan, even when no one has an orgasm. It’s okay. Really. However, I am very stubborn – perhaps to a fault – and I push myself harder. This plug is an excellent toy for a lot of reasons, but perhaps not the best one for someone relatively new to anal toys. It’s certainly not a “warm up” toy. This toy is the whole fucking shebang. This toy is ready to own your ass, literally.

We had sex with it inside me once, which I enjoyed, but I was still rather uncomfortable. He didn’t seem particularly jazzed about it either. We did not think it reflected badly on the plug – or on anything, really – and simply resigned ourselves to trying again and again.

Well, we didn’t. After that time, the plug became increasingly more painful for me to attempt inserting, and since I do not believe (anymore) that a lot of pain is necessary for anal play, I stopped. We have since had anal sex, but it was completely without the inclusion of this plug. In one evening of determination, I told Him to give me some space while I try to make friends with the plug.

For an hour or so, I made a lubricated mess in bed as I experimented – first using a condom over my finger(s); then a condom over our Babeland Showerbabe, which does not have a base so it’s not ideal, but it has a handle, so I felt pretty safe with it; then my Hitachi Wand while also using the Showerbabe; and finally, ever so slowly, Tristan’s Anniversary Edition Plug. It was still difficult, but the whole experience was pretty painless. I learned that I am comfortable with fingers as long as they are covered with a condom or glove. And I had an orgasm. Not a bad night.

I also learned that I can crawl around on all fours with the plug inside of me, and that it will stay in place pretty well, which gave me ideas…

In sum, that last statement really represents how I think of this toy. I see it as a toy that you grow into, something you expand with. (No pun intended, but it’s sure as hell there.) It is, after all, a toy made to celebrate the ten year anniversary of the Tristan Plug, a butt plug designed by “Anal Sex Queen” Tristan Taormino, and changes are definitely in order after a while. If you have a smaller plug or one with a slimmer shape and you find yourself thinking you’d like to try more, then this plug would probably meet your needs perfectly. I am excited about the future evenings of determination and pleasure to come with this plug.

Note to our readers:

We will post an updated review once we have had some more fun with this product.

blog

Barcelona Sex Project by Erika Lust

Mimi

Of the five videos we received from Blowfish, we were the most genuinely interested in Erika Lust’sBarcelona Sex Project, claiming to offer “six portraits of true intimacy, personal interviews, and real orgasms”. Underneath the description of the film and a brief mention of Erika Lust’s awards and acclaims, there is a section headed with “We Care”, which states that Lust Films of Barcelona (co-founded by Erika Lust) “supports NGOs combating sexual exploitations and fighting for human rights for women” by contributing 5% of their film’s revenue to Coalition Against Trafficking Women, Equality Now, and Womankind Worldwide. Pretty swank. It wouldn’t be your average porn, that’s for sure.

Each participant – three men and three women – sat on a stool amidst a completely white background and spoke candidly about his or her life, including jobs, hobbies, romantic interests, pets, and other comfortable, casual subjects. They were also allowed to bring a camera so that they might offer the viewer an extra peek into their intimate, everyday lives. Then, after the some more sexual questioning about masturbation and fantasies, we get onto the masturbation.

The settings, although sparse, are carefully chosen to create a clean, stylish sense of place, separate from “normal” life. I can imagine that masturbating and achieving orgasm on camera is not terribly easy, especially if someone needs to come in and powder your forehead, but based on the behind-the-scenes footage, Erika Lust and all of her crew appeared to approach the work in a very encouraging way, with humor and consideration.

Admittedly, the interviewing sequence can be a little boring at times because just like in real, regular old life, you simply can’t be interested in everyone you meet. Some people just don’t do it for you. However, if nothing else, I could imagine him or her naked or masturbating, then compare that with the semi-orchestrated reality of the screen. As an American who has never been outside of the U.S. and Canada, it was also interesting to see a film made in another country with an emphasis on the inhabitants and how they live, sexually and non-sexually.

I spent a good portion of the film and thereafter comparing and contrasting in my mind, on various levels, and much less of it feeling extensively turned on. It may be because I do not fantasize much about other people masturbating alone. I am much more turned on by watching the interactions of two, three, four, etc. individuals, or if someone’s masturbating could mean some play for me. So while I could recognize that certain portions were hot, I still did not feel inclined to whip out the Hitachi and buzz myself to bliss.

If you enjoy watching people masturbate, and especially the idea of gorgeous, “average” people masturbating, then this DVD will probably be more than thought provoking for you. It contains none of the ugly, mainstream porn aesthetic (brownie points, indeed) and, best of all, the atmosphere is one of respect and positivity. Fabulous.

As a writer, director, producer, and activist encouraging a positive, feminist perspective on sexuality, Erika Lust has been added to my mental list of people who should be paid attention to, and most definitely adored.

Joseph

Because of my overall distaste for porn, this film was the one that I was most interested in out of the movies that Blowfish sent to us.

Since the breadth of how it is different from a typical porn case (hot blank on blank action) is covered quite well in Her review, I will just say that to me it reads more like a documentary complete with obligatory percentage to charity. Which is good. Which is fucking awesome.

After watching it, I maintain that it is more of a documentary than a porn. I guess you could call it an orgasm documentary. I think that the interview portion before the self therapy commences is wonderful. At first I actually liked the candid interviews better than watching people gild the lily.

As I watched on I became more pleased with the pleasing oneself section. I originally liked the interview part better because I felt more of a connection with the individuals talking about their jobs, family, day-to-day lives, etc than when they were beating around the bush (Get it? Huh, huh?). However, after seeing a few of them churn the mayo, I felt like both sections were equally intimate.

The fact that I thought listening to these people answer some fairly cursory questions was more intimate that watching them masturbate is a good illustration of what I have come to expect from porn. After seeing countless people have sex on screen, I began to feel more and more detached from them. And it is not hard to see why. Traditional porn does nothing to try and make the experience feel organic or intimate at all. The average porn scene is full of fake body parts, fake noises, fake sentiment, and fake standards. Being contrived and ridiculous is now a standard. I’ve come to associate porn with detachment so strongly that I don’t even expect a sex scene to be interesting anymore.

The Barcelona Sex Project was just the opposite. Care was taken to make these scenes feel natural. The people were encouraged to do whatever they wanted, they brought their own toys from home and the sets were carefully matched to each person’s personality. All of this care and personality really shines through and by the second half of the film, I was enthralled by the wankin’ scenes because it felt like an extension of the interview, like another bit of that person’s personality rather than a calculated bit of pornography.

Erika Lust single handedly revived my hopes for porn. With more people like her behind the action, porn could eventually become something worthy of attention and respect. It could become the art form that it should be. Sex is beautiful, intimacy is beautiful, film can be beautiful so it stands to reason that porn should be beautiful instead of the garish and exploitative thing that it is.

God’s speed Miss Lust.

blog

Madison Young’s “Bride of Sin”

Mimi

My fiancé and I come from different backgrounds, but for the most part we overlap ideologically, and where we don’t, our open-minded natures create a bridge. I have more experience, knowledge, and desire of BDSM; however, we both feel an interest for BDSM in it’s various forms and it finds it’s way into our bedroom (or living room, bathroom, local park…) periodically in the form of light power play, bondage, and spanking. After reading the synopsis, I was actually excited and hopeful for Madison Young’s Bride of Sin. I thought that seeing a film directed by a woman about BDSM might further brighten that original spark.

My optimism also stemmed from the film’s nicely designed case. As far as pornographic films go, it certainly deserves kudos for not being really distasteful. A rather pretty redhead, Young herself, is on the cover in traditional white wedding bridal garments, ass exposed and prominent, seeming to ask the potential viewer to spank her, hard. You can also see her, on both the front and the back of the case, tied up quite elaborately and overall, it seems impressive. In addition to Young, three other stars are listed: Ariel X (Maid of Honor who leads the innocent Bride astray), Selina Raven (betrayed partner), and Claire Adams (Priest who offers Young salvation for her betrayal).

Looking at the DVD case for Bride of Sin, you wouldn’t know that there’s a fairly low quality film stored inside.

When you turn the film on, you will quickly realize that the wonderfully lit photographs on the DVD case do not reflect the quality of the film itself, and the dialog, which is very little and loosely sets up what might be called a plot, is difficult to hear. Because of this, the first half of the film felt more like someone’s home sex videos strung together than a film for which money is exchanged.

Plot is always a dubious thing within porn. As ridiculous as a plot might be, it can still work to add creativity and excitement, while also pacing the film. It makes it feel worthwhile. I’ve watched CGI monsters “battle” in sex competitions for freedom, gladiator style; satyrs converting humans through sexual rituals; history “explained” through pivotal sexual exploits; and much more simplistic plots, like a girl in search of an orgasm – they all help hold the experience together, to create fluidity, to make you feel like you weren’t ripped off.

So, moving on from the plot and film quality, one can look forward to Young’s full, delicious ass being squeezed and spanked throughout the film, Ariel X giving Young an intense orgasm on a church pew, Raven’s sexy strap-on paired with feminine vest suit in which she fucks and slaps Young, and the elaborate bondage and rigging scenes set up by Adams. I enjoyed the scenes with Raven and Adams better because the chemistry seemed very authentic, fun, and those ladies were better Dommes. Perhaps there was simply too much of the tragically typical noises (hissing/slurping, for example) that people make in porn for me to get really turned on by the first half of the film.

The most interesting and impressive aspect of Bride of Sin is Adams, a pro bondage model, rigger, and director. After watching the ‘behind the scenes’ portion of the DVD, brought to us by Behind Kink, this judgment was only reinforced. She appears very intelligent, capable, and confident. This is also why she makes an excellent Top.

I find it exciting and interesting that a young woman assembled a team of women to help her put together a pornographic film based upon her own fantasies (talk about personal power!), but the problem with it remains that I can’t really take Young seriously as a sexual, creative force, taking the reigns. Aside from the rigging done by Adams, this comes off very much as a weekend project put together by a few girlfriends. I can admire an individual for openly embracing their sexuality, but that doesn’t mean I want to pay them $40 for it.

Joseph

When I opened the box from Blowfish, I was pleased to see that most of the movies were women friendly. I don’t like porn at its best, but I despise commonplace, exploitative porn. If nothing else, porn made by women for women would be something new.

Unfortunately, Madison Young’s Bride of Sin did not prove to be new or worth viewing. Far from being a step forward for the industry, it was poorly written, poorly shot, and the sound reproduction was atrocious. Hearing the writer/director/star talk about the “process” in the behind the scenes (which was filmed on higher quality film that the actual movie) just made me embarrassed for her.

The plot of Bride of Sin is that Madison Bound is getting married but having an affair with her Maid of Honor. After getting a swirly from her fiancé because of her indiscretions, Young goes to a priest to confess and be cleansed of her sins. Of course (this being a porn), all of these scenes are based around sex. This particular porn is focused on BDSM because Young really enjoys being tied up. And therein lays the problem. Young is genuinely enjoying herself in every scene and that is great for a performer…but not for the director. She comes off like someone that wanted an excuse to have sex with these performers, so she made a movie. Young always looks like she is having a really good time and it is evident that the technical and artistic aspects of making this movie were an annoyance to her and therefore marginalized. At one point in the behind the scenes you actually hear the camera woman call her on it. They are discussing a shifting light in the background that the camera woman thinks is distracting. Young looks at and says “That doesn’t really bother me.” And the camera woman replies “Nothing bothers you.” Touché

The lighting is sub-par, the sound quality is so bad that even if Young had written an academy award winning script, we would not be able to hear a word of it, and the scenes are poorly paced. The only redeeming factor of Bride of Sin is Claire Adams and her impressive skills as Young’s priest. Adams brings a much needed element of expertise and confidence to the scenes.

Aside from Adams’ scene, the only thing done well about this film is the production of the packaging. You can definately tell that more care was taken with the production of the case than the production of the film itself. Based on the packaging you would never be able to tell that there was a grainy, poorly thought out, painful film awaiting you.
If you are turned on by bondage and BDSM, then Bride of Sin may do something for you. Maybe. However, at $39.95 (retail), I still think you’ll end up feeling ripped off. I feel ripped off and I didn’t pay a dime for it.

blog

Astrea II – Vibrating Thong

Mimi

My partner and I have wanted to try a sex toy like the Astrea II: Remote Vibrating Thong for a long time, for probably the usual reasons people want to use such toys: an interest in discreet public play, control dynamics, and the plain ol’ glory that is a vibrator. We were pretty excited when the package arrived, even though the diamond shaped purple box looks like it could equally house a product for yeast infection or bikini hair removal. A little too Lifetime, for me, but it could be a lot worse. They were obviously trying to make it tasteful, for which a little bit of credit is deserved.

A consideration for tastefulness is also apparent in the thong itself – sexy and comfortable, despite a big honkin’ piece of vibrating plastic that is strangely reminiscent of the early menstruation days when I wore pads big enough to smuggle Haitian immigrants. After a while, the vibrator is… still ridiculous, but it feels less awkward and the peculiarity of the experience is overcome by the thrill of being in public, anticipating the moment when my partner turns it on.

The vibrator’s volume is barely audible, which is impressive given the intensity of the vibration. It’d be perfect – if I was in the right place. The little pocket meant to hold the vibrator in the thong is slightly too low for it to actually vibrate my clit. Maybe it’s not supposed to do that? Seems odd. If I was going to have a truly magnificent, possibly orgasmic outing with my partner, there would definitely be some stimulation of my clit involved. Instead, I spent most of the time joking with him about trying to adjust the way I was sitting or standing (hunched over) so that it would stimulate my clit more and my labia less.

It feels pretty decent and there is a lot of potential in this product; however, a significant design flaw is still enough to lead to disappointment. And I was.

Oh, and speaking of flaws – the thong will fit “most sizes” according to the box, but unless you purchase this toy from Babeland or some other self-respecting online source, you may not know that the thong only fits up to a 38” waist.

Joseph

The first one that Babeland shipped to us happened to be defective. While that was unfortunate and caused a delay in our testing of the product, these things are bound to happen, but Babeland quickly set it right, and in the end, it afforded us a very interesting insight into the product. But more on that later.

The Astrea II is one of many of California Exotic Novelties and the Berman Center’s offerings into the sex toy realm. The box makes me think of the word “Monistat” every time that I see it. I’m not sure of why this word comes to mind, and the association that implies is a bit odd too, but I can only chalk it up to my deep seated emotional problems or expert package design.

The product itself is a remarkably simple design and a great idea. Just like Communism. It is a relatively small vibrating square that is inserted into a pouch in the crotch of lace panties. The on/off functionality of the vibrator is controlled by a “compact wireless mini remote control” intended to be in the hands of your partner. That way you can play with power dynamics and radio waves at the same time!

Also like Communism, this device fails miserably in practice and application. One major flaw prevents this product from being worth while. It is in the wrong place for clitoral stimulation. Obviously I can’t comment on this firsthand, but I am told by Her that because of this flaw, the product does not do that much for her. And that doesn’t do anything for me.

The appeal for the person holding the superfluously large remote control (almost 4 inches) is being able to make the person wearing the vibe squirm and writhe with the flip of a switch. Ideally this could be done in situations that She would have to strive to control herself in. Instead, it made her giggle and jump a little the first few times I did it and then She barely responded at all. So what I end up with is a large piece of plastic with a little red light that I can turn on and off instead of the remote control to Her pleasure.

Ok, you get the idea of why I dislike this product. Instead of continuing to beat a dead horse, I’ll move on to the interesting (and hilarious) thing that we learned about this product by ending up with two of them.

The malfunction in the first one was in the remote. The vibe worked fine, which we learned when we got the second one. When I activated the second vibe with the remote, the first one came on too. That’s right. They all work on the same frequency.

Take a moment to think about the implications of this.

For me, it means one of two things; The manufacturer of this product either thought that they would never actually sell enough of them that there would be two in close range of one another, or they were just so short sighted that they honestly didn’t think to worry about it.

I like to think the first.

blog

Hitchity Hitch

As you may have noticed, Joseph and I disappeared from the Internet for about a week and a half, but you probably didn’t know that it was due to our upcoming wedding, which occurred last Saturday. We meant to make a post saying something to the effect of, “Hey, we’re super busy because we’re getting married. See you in a week!” As time often does, it flew by and we never got around to it. Obviously.

So here is our announcement:

We’re married!

The jokes about stereotypical wife and husband roles have been many, especially in relation to our Southern location, and we’ve had more than a few good laughs. We’ve both decided to promptly become fat and disinterested in sex with each other.

Not much feels different – we already considered ourselves life partners several months before the ceremony – and we continue in much the same way. Our actions are driven by love and a desire to live as authentically as possible, both as individuals and as a couple.

Our reviews will be up and coming as early as tomorrow, beginning with The Anal Sex Position Guide by Tristan Taormino.

blog

Splash Gentle Feminine Wash

Mimi

Unlike many of the older women in my family, I’m not a pampering product junkie. A lot of functional and/or luxurious objects still equate to clutter in my mind. So that’s what I mean when I say that Splash Gentle Feminine Wash is not something I would normally consider buying for myself. (I’ve got soap. Why do I need “special” soap?) However, as a reviewer I am much more open to various types of products and despite Joseph’s snarky comment about how Splash is “probably just overpriced soap” when the product first arrived here, I was ready to give it a fair chance.

I received the “naturally unscented” version of this product because my body is very selective and unforgiving, and it really is virtually completely fragrance free. After inspecting the bottle, which has a very youthful, girly design, I was pleased to note that Splash has not been tested on animals (major plus), it is hypoallergenic and non-toxic, supposedly removes odor causing bacteria, and is “perfectly balanced to complement of woman’s PH”. (Also, if it matters to you, this product is glycerin free.)

Most of the ingredients are recognizable (water, coconut oil), but you may not recognize EGMS and DMDM Hydantoin. These ingredients are more than likely in many of your standard store bought shampoos, conditioners, and soaps.

As for how it felt, well, it doesn’t feel like regular soap. It has a slightly slicker, almost oil-like quality to it, perhaps because of the coconut oil derived ingredients. (I’m not a damn chemist.) This feels really, really good on the sensitive skin. I found myself washing and massaging more thoroughly than normal just because it was a pleasure to experience. And with Splash, a little goes a long way. One 4.2 oz bottle should last a few months, even with daily use.

I can’t really know whether or not Splash is improving the smell of my vulva, especially because I don’t generally have any problem with unpleasant odors. If you have noticed a serious problem with odor, you should probably see a doctor instead of relying on this product to cure you.

The only odd consequence that I noticed was that my vulva felt moist for a couple hours after using Splash, as if someone lightly sprayed me with a water bottle or like I didn’t dry myself off well enough post shower. It may or may not happen to you if you use Splash – different bodies after all – and I do not perceive it as being a significant hassle. Shower the night before, wear cotton panties, and/or wear pants that aren’t incredibly tight if you’re concerned.

Not only am I really glad that we received Splash for review, 4 or 5 months from now when the bottle is empty I know I’ll feel inclined to replace it. It feels luxurious yet it’s not a huge, unreasonable strain on my budget or my space.

Joseph

I’ll be honest, I had no idea what this was or that we were getting it. Mimi and I put a list of sex toys and things from Tabu Toys together and this was one of Mimi’s picks that I said “yeah, whatever, fine” to. After taking it from the box and inspecting it a bit, I proclaimed it to be “just soap.”

Once the surgical procedure required to remove my head from my ass was complete, I was more able to evaluate the product on a fair level. I tried a little bit on my boy bits in the shower and found it to be soap. Really awesome soap. It is (as Mimi said) slightly slicker than regular soap and feels just delightful on sensitive skin. It rinses easily and leaves the skin feeling moist and clean.

The package design looks like something you would see at Target but hidden within the uber-trendy label is a very well thought out and well executed product.

In summary: Splash Gentle Feminine Wash is soap. Just like a scalpel is a knife and nail polish is paint. It is soap made a special way for a special purpose.

The Naked Truth:

We don’t really have ranking categories that fit this product.

Overall: ★★★★½

 

Not that pussy, silly.

blog

Running out of space

Ok internets, help us out.

As we continue to review products and more wonderful suppliers feel inclined to send us products…we are running out of space. If you’ve been following us on Twitter or Facebook, you’ll notice that we’ve been keeping our toys in nightstand drawer.

Facebook2

Look how our too-small drawer is now exploding with sexiness.

The poor thing is going break

This is where you come in, dear readers, in the form of suggestions or (if you really love us and our drawer) gifts.

So what do we do with our veritable landslide of pleasure products? We are aware that products exist specifically for this purpose, but we can’t afford them.

P.S.
We don’t really store our toys like this because it is bad for them. Cramming your toys together can damage the softer, nicer ones by placing permanent dents in them. There is also a school of thought that storing silicone toys together will deteriorate them over time.

UPDATE – Tunti has graciously agreed to help us solve our storage problems and will be sending us a case for review. Thanks, Ilse!

blog

The Divine Vibrator

Joseph

The Divine Vibe by Doc. Johnson is somewhat less than divine. Or at least, that what it seems like from my perspective.

That’s the thing, my perspective, as one without a vagina is somewhat limited about things like g-spot stimulators and vibrators meant to be inserted into said non-existent vagina. Therefore, I’ll just break down the dimensions and logistics of this bad mama jama.

The Divine Vibe is an 8” x 1 ¾” variable speed vibrator that has a curvature intended to stimulate the G-spot internally. It is made of ABS (the same stuff as Lego blocks) plastic which is a durable and recyclable plastic made comprised of a mix of elastomer, rubber, and hard plastic. ABS will dissolve when exposed to acetone, so no harsh cleaners.

The vibe comes in two colors, “Yin and Yang” (read: Black and White to the non-marketing goon) and is packaged in a mostly clear plastic container that says “Harmony” for reasons we cannot discern.  It takes two AAA batteries which are not included and has a single button to control the speeds (low, medium, high). I feel kind of silly because it seems like I should be able to figure this out, but there is a symbol on the box and the bottom to the vibe that confuses me. It is a trashcan with a big X over it. I guess this means that this toy must not be thrown away…so….what should you do with it when you are finished getting in sync with your inner core? This? Really, click on that link. It is worth it.

As far as using it on someone, it is pretty easy on the hand. The big, bulbous base makes it very easy to grip and maneuver and the ABS keeps the temp nice and slightly cool.

NO TRASH CAN!!!!

Because if you don’t “close cap tightly” bad things could happen.

Mimi

Let me just start by saying that I have an odd relationship with g-spot vibrating toys. I tend to dislike them. (I’ll write more about this for our upcoming Lelo Gigi review.) Still, I am open to experimentation and Doc. Johnson’s Divine Vibe could be used in various other ways, so I decided to give it a try.

I received the Yin (black) Doc. Johnson’s Divine Vibe and after pressing the button down toward the battery compartment three times to feel the three different settings, I was pretty convinced that I might actually have a clitoral orgasm with this toy. The low and middle setting are worthy yet the highest setting is the one I used the most.

It didn’t happen. I tried on several occasions, and although it felt good, it didn’t feel close to good enough. I ended up pulling out my Hitachi every time.

We decided that Joseph should use it on me while I use the Hitachi to see how it feels inside me as well as handled by another person.

That was a whole lot of vibrating.

Due to the width and shape of the Divine Vibe, I felt rather “full” while it was inside me. Eventually I had a clitoral orgasm, which felt good. It was a slow burn.

Then I went to wash the Divine Vibe and realized there is a tiny crevice between the “head” of the vibrator and those three ridges in the center. This tiny crevice is a collector, and it is hard to clean. At least it’s waterproof and you can submerge and scrub to your heart’s content. Maybe you don’t care about something as tiny as that crevice.

Maybe you should go masturbate with some Legos then. At least you could build cool shit afterwards.

As I mentioned, it is waterproof and it functions really well as a vibrator that lives in the bathroom and is used on my clit occasionally in the shower as a warm-up. And it does feel great in that capacity. It teases while stimulating because you need more, and that’s where other toys or partners come in. Hopefully.

Divine? More like Pretty Good to Have Around.

The Naked Truth:

Intensity: ★★★★☆

Volume: ★★★½☆

Aesthetic design: ★★★½☆

Versatility: ★★★☆☆

Ease of cleaning: ★★☆☆☆

Overall: ★★★½☆

The original Jets

Jesus: Yo, B! Who the hell is this lumpy fool?

Buddha: I dunno, but he a jive-ass sucka!

blog

Babeland is one sexy Santa

Dear Babeland,

All I want for Christmas is the Cry Baby.

I really, really want this sex toy because remote control vibrators hold such potential for fun but the last one that we tried was hilariously bad. It seems like they deserve another chance. Plus I like controlling my wife’s vagina…

I’m especially deserving of this sexy toy because I’ve been trying ever so hard to bring safe and respectful sex ideas to the masses this year!

Yours with love, lube, and laughter,

Joseph